Truth, I blocked my “ex”,for the first year and a half after the divorce. Emails, texts, calls, letters… you name it, I did it! Yup, I did that. BLOCKED EVERYTHING. I needed to. I needed to heal. I needed to get well. I needed to grow. I needed to embrace grace. It’s only taken me 2 1/2 years to get to this peaceful place of grace.
Now that’s serious progress in my overall story. Seriously ! The worn out pages of my back story have been torn out and replaced with well worn pages of the present.
An unexplainable and undeniable grace…the free and unmerited favor of God. Now that’s what I’m talking about. For the longest time however, THAT was a far off whisper.
Until you experience it for yourself, you may not fully understand it. I get it. I know I didn’t. Now that my heart has been totally ransomed by His mercy, the undeniable growth ,filtered with His unexplainable grace, has allowed my healthy heart to beat again.
We all have faced moments in life where we can see the vague outline of the crossroads ahead of us. There may be moments where we can see both the great divide of the past yet we can also see a glimmer of hope for the future. We have to learn how we are to exist in the present though. In the now. Living in the present moment has been hard for me because the past still haunted me. What I’ve learned about living in the moment, truly being able to embrace the present ,is that my past no longer dictates my future therefore any perceived predictions of the future no longer has control over me. I’m not so attached to the outcome anymore! You know, where one has to know what was going to happen in order to move forward.
Okay, I don’t know if this resonates with any of you but it has been a huge feat for me. Like HUGE!
To allow my personal growth to collide with His grace has indeed changed my heart. How can it not?
When we choose to forgive, we heal. When we learn to let go of things that have kept us emotionally or spiritually froze, we grow.
For this is where growth and grace marry. They intentionally collide. They are intertwined in the fabric of life which must be laced with both growth and grace, if to be fully embraced. In order to become the unique tapestry that we were originally knit together in our mothers womb to be, we must not be estranged from either one. Sadly, I was…
More on that later!
To live in harmony with growth, grace will be a natural byproduct. Allow me to break it down for you.
There have been a few seasons in my life where I’ve had absolutely NO grace whatsoever for anyone who had done me wrong. Let’s just say there have been a few..!
Through much needed personal growth over the past few years and lots of counseling, I mean lots, I’m beginning to be able to just “show up for life” like my entrusted friend and counselor encouraged me to do. Living and learning to embrace what’s right in front of me without dredging up all the old wounds has brought me to this place. This place called grace. I’ve healed, I’ve grown, I’ve forgiven, I’ve let go. I’ve also come to believe that people can change if they’re willing to do the hard stuff. IF is the operative word here. The hard stuff is looking at the junk in your own trunk and not that of another.
Sometimes, especially if you’re stubborn or set in your own ways, you have to lose just about everything to gain the life your heart truly desires. Losing your old self is by far the best part of finding your true self. The one who lives from the heart and not the head. That my friends is Gods heart for each and every one of us.
Side note ~ His word reflects His heart. Did you know that the subject of the heart is one of the central theme in the Bible. Maybe because He knew we would all struggle with issues of the heart at some point in our lives. He knew. His heart has been ,all along, to bind up the broken hearted, to set captives free, to be able to freely love from a whole heart, not a heart that’s leaning on its own understanding. God doesn’t look at the outward appearance, He looks ,rather intently ,at the heart of man.
I’m pretty intellectual and oftentimes overly analytical. That much is true,That’s not all bad in and of itself, however it doesn’t really allow much room for genuine grace or organic growth for that matter.
To be fair, over the years, I’ve generously lavished grace on those I knew had none for themselves. That came easy to my compassionate and codependent heart…Except within my own personal sphere of influence. Why? Because it “ infected” my own personhood. I was still struggling in knowing my own worth, my own value, my own purpose and my own voice.
I unknowingly valued others more than I valued myself. You can only love and extend mercy to others as much as you have extended it to yourself. Remember the old saying, “You teach others how to treat you”,well, there ya have it. Again, I unknowingly was teaching those in my inner circle how to treat me or mistreat me for that matter because I didn’t put a high price tag on myself. I had put myself on the clearance rack most of my life while putting others on display. It wasn’t until I started the pursuit of inner healing and much needed growth and grace for myself that I was able to extend true grace, forgiveness ,mercy and love to those who had hurt me.
So how could I extend grace to my “Ex” if I had none for myself. I couldn’t. Please hear me out though. I am, by no means and in any way, excusing his actions, his behavior or the decisions he’s made in his past. He’s totally responsible for those. I am, however totally responsible for how I have reacted and responded to them.
Because I’ve grown so much over the past few years and have come to trust my own judgement, unlike in the past, I am willing to explore the possibility of others growth as well. Because I have experienced it for myself, I have found that I’m more apt to extend it to others. I’m definitely not the same person I was a few years ago. Nor is my ex for that matter. His personal journey of growth is his story to tell, not mine .But what I can tell you, is this. I trust the Lord, my instinct, my heart, my inner voice, to discern the difference now. So the grace I’ve been able to extend to him,comes with the immeasurable growth within my heart. If it wasn’t for the undeniable grace Of God that I’ve experienced through this gut wrenching journey to healing, I obviously wouldn’t be sharing this part of my story. This chapter has yet to been fully written I know. However with lots of unfiltered blank pages before me, I can choose how I want my story to be written and even rewrite my story if deemed necessary. We do have a choice you know. I’m still discovering my story, page by page. As are you my friends.
Its not the end of the book…
Remember, it’s never to late to have a new beginning.
Its never to late to start your day, your week, your month, your year and your life over again.
Its never to late to rewrite your story. It’s HIS STORY after all. He promises a note worthy ending.✍🏻
His Word is His love note to each of us.❤️For the eyes of the Lord, look to and fro throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.(2 Chron.16:9)
My heart has been strengthened through it all.
Its up to us to do the brave thing. To own our story. To read it, write it, highlight it, or in my case, rewrite it and stand, believing it…💯