Faith, Uncategorized

Against All Odds

With all the heartbreaking occurrences of recent suicides and personally knowing several people who have,I feel compelled to share about the deepest depression that I’d ever gone through and my own sick contemplation of suicide and how I overcame it!

You are never alone…

The darkness within me was all encompassing. I couldn’t get away from the screaming voices in my head that frequently said, I would be better off dead! The shame I wore was as debilitating as were my thoughts. The inner dialogue went something like this on a daily basis.”Nobody would care if I were gone, you’re a horrible Christian, a hypocrite, you’re an unfit mother, you’re filthy, you’re worthless, who would want you,what do I have to live for” etc…the mantras were endless as was the shame that took front seat in my mind.

Depression coupled with shame can lead one down the path of great despair and hopelessness.

You are never alone…

I’ve been there. I know.

It’s important for you to know that the thought of suicide doesn’t just come once but it does strengthen with the number of times it takes up residence in your head!

The struggle is real! Like ,not joking,real!

You are never alone…

It’s about to get real here so if you’re the least bit “judgmental”,you may want to sign off now.

“Judge-mental.” Boy was I ever! Particularly of myself. So, the truth is, if I felt like I was about to be judged, you can better believe that before someone else could judge me,reject me or put me down,I was going to.

I was by far the the cruelest judge of my own soul. Being both judge and jury of my shamed and tattered soul ,the verdict seemed eminent. Death seemed promising. Suicide seemed like a resolute relief.

You are never alone…

Suicide? A resolute relief….Except for 3 reasons. I’ll get to the saving grace of my life shortly but first we must look at debilitating disease of depression.

Self loathing,self contempt and self pity led the way down a path of self sabotage which led to the contemplation of ending my life. I was that depressed. Even now, decades later, its still unnerving to put into writing my suicidal story. I still well up in tears on the life I would have missed out on.

You are never alone…

It was a story heavily laced by a shamed soul. Mine. Abuse had taken its toll.. When you’ve been abused or abused yourself, you take on that persons shame as your own. So lets jut say, I had heaping amounts of shame that had all but destroyed the already damaged version of my identity. The damaged version of myself spoke as a constant reminder of the ubiquitous and prevailing thoughts that continually circled my mind.

To be fair, I needed help but was in such a dark and shameful place,I couldn’t reach out to anyone, let alone God who was the Ultimate Judge.

I was so angry at God. I had felt like He abandoned us too. With all the faith I could muster up, I had been believing for a miracle. God was going to bring my philandering husband back home and we would continue on with the American dream like we had. Deal.

Deal breaker, my husband at the time, moved in with yet anther woman. That did it. I shook my fist at God, literally, and decided to go out on the town. That was the first clue that in was spiraling out of control. I didn’t go out unless I was going to church , grocery store, play dates with children or work. Period.

Until that late summers night. I met a man ,at a bar, who appeared to be a gentleman. A gentleman he was not. I found that out the hard way. I was extremely vulnerable, gullible and unbelievably naive and someone had given ME attention. Me. Thats all it took.

I don’t recall the entire memory or time frame of it all. I believe God spared me from that. Apparently I had been drugged at some point during the evening and woke up in a hotel room with a man on top of me. It never even dawned on me that I had been date raped. As my deceived mind believed it, it was all my fault. ALL.MY. FAULT.

You are never alone…

Yes, upon coming to I was traumatized to say the least. Shocked. Devastated. Scared but mostly ,shamed. The last thing I remembered was driving with him in his truck, a crowbar placed on my lap and another man getting in the truck on other side of me. Nothing else. Until the next day.

The walk of shame…

I was shaken to my core because of what I had done. Thats right, what I had done.Not what had been done to me. I didn’t admit to being drugged and date raped until 25 years later. 25 years later. Instead, I did the “walk of shame ” and took it on as ALL my fault. If only I had not gone out… I hid underneath that cover of shame for decades. The damage done to my soul from that point on left me withering inside, a slow death.

You are never alone…

All the while, I had three precious children that kept tugging at my heart to be loved, protected and taken care of. So I had to “buck up”for them. For a season. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d dutifully would take them to church while I sat out in the car sinking further into depression. I was losing the battle in my head. I couldn’t face the pastor, let alone myself or my children.

I had to come up with a strategic exit plan. Thats what survivors of abuse do. They plan their escape. But how? I had children who needed me. I didn’t want them to find me. That would ruin them .How could I leave them? I was all they had. They were all I had in this life. They were my only reason for living. They had value. They had potential. They were innocent. They deserved more. In essence, my three children saved my life. It was because of my children, I couldn’t take my life. Not me. They were my world and my only reason for living. At that time, I didn’t see that I had any worth at all, but I did see theirs.

After several phone calls to different churches in the area, I finally called my home church for help. For me. For my children who deserved more of me. My home church actually answered the phone.

Quivering, I paused for what seemed like eternity. I almost hung up but I heard sweet innocent voices beckoning me to come to them. In essence, it was my children that saved my life that day.

I believe God was on the line that day. As I drove across town to that little church with my precious children sitting quietly in the back seat of that old beat up wooden station wagon, I was uncertain of might happen next. Would my children be taken away from me as I saw myself as unfit to give them what they so deserved. I knew I was a bonafide basket case…

The saving grace of God is what happened next. My pastor and his wife met me outside with open arms and offered to take my children home with them while I was being, unbeknownst to me, “mentally”assessed. The depression had so distorted how I saw life. They immediately got me in with a counselor to help me walk out of that darkness and back into the light. Yes, it took time and even medication. I was so against that at first because of the stigma that went along with it. I shouldn’t need medication or a counselor if I have Jesus stigma. You may know the one.

But I desperately needed both! For a season.

My journey to wholeness has taken time but I am worth that time. Every minute of it. Every second of it. So are you!

This one thing I know. He has used the very thing that almost killed me to offer healing and hopes to others who have fought the battle of depression and shame. There is hope for the hopeless. There is healing for the heartbroken. There is forgiveness for the unforgivable. There is life after death of your spirit. There is redemption for the unredeemable.

I ,my friend, am living proof!

You are never alone.

Ps.46:3 God is our strength,a very present help in time of trouble.

Is.41:10 Do not fear for I am with you:

Do not anxiously look about about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you,surely I will help you,surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

5 thoughts on “Against All Odds”

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