What may look like great regret may be an opportunity for great growth. If you are open to change that is. And being “Dissected.” Adversity, pain ,regret are often the motivator for necessary change. An acquaintance of mine just sent me a few quotes from one of John Maxwells books.
Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn,I’d like to share with you and expound on a couple of them for just a bit.
Often times “life’s greatest lessons are learned from our losses.” Just this one quote speaks volumes to me. Looking back over the last two years to date, 5/19/16, I’m beyond thankful for the incredible life changing growth that has taken place in light of one of life’s greatest losses, divorce. Divorce or being “dismarried” is like a living death you know. Something dies within you, that part is true. In my case, another part woke up, maybe for the first time. . Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’m definitely not, I repeat,not a proponent of divorce. Never have been. I attempted ever which way to make it work. But here’s the thing, it didn’t and I couldn’t. I couldn’t make it work or cause him to change. Looking back, we were like two kids fighting to be heard, seen, loved, validated, both vying for attention, good, bad and yes, even the ugly. Truth be told, there was a lot of that behind closed doors. Seriously, we were in our “own way”of receiving the love we both really desired.
It took the divorce to wake us both up to that reality. I often joke (funny not funny) that divorce was the best thing that could have happened to us. It caused each of us to grow up, the hard way, but grow up nonetheless. No regrets there. So,I want to challenge you in your thinking as well if I may. Do you believe that God is always working behind the scenes ?
It was devastating to go through with it because I knew. I knew I would be wrongly judged. Not as harshly as I was, but I knew. I know what it feels like to be judged quite harshly by some, ignored by others, to be alone, to feel isolated and abandoned and even unfriended by a few that were totally opposed to my divorcing my husband. We’re no longer “friends”and that my friends, is okay. But then there were those who knew of our dysfunction, our thousands of attempts to try to make it work, our on going “drama” , our never ending marriage counseling and thus,supported my decision to go forward with the divorce.
I don’t regret that decision to this day. It’s not what I wanted but I wanted the pain to stop. That pain didn’t stop with the dissolution of our marriage though. It did however get me in touch with something much deeper. My own personal pain that had been buried deep within. Alone with myself,alone with my God, it was time for me to get real. I have no regrets in getting the real deal .
True freedom. Believing that with all my heart,He would redeem my pain for His gain and for His glory, I seriously don’t regret a thing because He has done just that.
Again,sometimes life’s greatest lessons come out of our greatest losses,yes even out of being divorced or as my grandson refers to “Dismarried‘. Now that sounds a little less harsh than ‘divorced’ don’t you think ? It totally catches people off guard when I say. I’m dismarried. Sounds gentler in my humble opinion.
Anyway, back to the way of adversity. No one really wants to walk that way, right? Through much adversity though,I have discovered the real me, the good, the bad, the ugly. In my case, it has definitely been the catalyst for some painful yet great change.
Take my two divorces for instance. Yeah, so that part is super hard to admit by the way. I never wanted to be ‘dismarried“.While the first divorce happened to us,that being, my children and I,the second one happened because of us, my husband and I. I have always been a one man kind of woman until death due you part… and yet it happened.What about destroyed me however, the death of two marriages forced me to learn. I had to work on the “junk in my own trunk”. IF, and that’s a big IF, both parties involved choose to work on their own junk ,in their own trunk ,then I’d say its safe to say, there are no regrets even among the losses. Life lessons learned.
My 2nd, now ex husband of whom I was married to for almost 25 years recently said,” I’ll regret “THAT”day the rest of my life…’
Well now, I agreeably disagreed.
I have no regrets because it forced me to look at me, to take my eyes totally off of him and vice versa. I had to peer deeper within to the” why, when, where and how “this dissolution happened and what was my part in it.
This living death, this divorce ,caused my spirit to awaken though. For that, I have no regret. I had to learn to grieve all the losses, all the dreams, all the hopes , all the disappointments, everything.
This living death destroyed parts of each of us ,that is a legitimate regret on both our parts. Yet out of such grave regrets, such losses, therein lies the greatest gift of growth. Learning from our losses.
Dis-ease = “Dismarried” . There was such “dis-ease” in our hearts, individually and obviously in our marriage. It took getting “dismarried” to deal with the regret that has now become the very tool to restoration if not reconciliation of hearts.
Remember Romans 8:28 ~ For our God causes ALL things to work together for our good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.
One last thought that came from John Maxwells book, Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn is this. “Extraordinary people survive under the most terrible circumstances and then become more extraordinary because of it…!”
I absolutely love this and believe this, “dismarried” or not.
This is my hope for all those who have gone through such great regret and grave losses and have now learned some of life’s greatest lessons through it all.